From my earliest memories I felt like I was a girl trapped in a boy's body. I had no idea where the uninvited feelings came from, but they were there every day, strong and persistent.
At the young age of 5 or so I was not skilled enough or mature enough to develop a defense to prevent acting out the strong feelings. I acted out, even as a young boy, cross dressing as a girl. Eventually it turned into a full-blown, unstoppable obsession. The action of cross dressing was like adding gasoline to a hot glowing ember that soon developed into a raging forest fire.
The feelings of wanting to be a girl took control of my daily thoughts. It felt both good and right—it was exciting and just part of me, at least that is what I thought. I was not homosexual, but I wondered if I was. Over the years, the strong feelings, fueled by acting out, providing all the ingredients for the development of an obsession that would eventually define who I would become.
Later, married for 18 years with 2 children, I underwent the so-called sex change surgery. I changed my gender, my name and everything else in my life. I found starting over was an even greater struggle and I was not so sure how it would all turn out.
I lived as a female for about 8 years; however, the gender change did not resolve the struggle on several levels. First, it was clear to me that the entire gender change surgery process did more to benefit the surgeon's wallet than it did my life. Second, I saw I was being complicit in a fraud by living as a female. That did not set well with me, I liked the truth. Third, allowing feelings to have control and dominate my life did not demonstrate a healthy psyche.
I have been blessed to find a wonderful godly lady who is very accepting of my lifelong struggle. Marriage to her through Jesus Christ has provided stability to enable the healing that finally resolved my gender confusion. It was important to me to live out my life in truth—that I was born a male and would always be a male, no matter what.
The truth and integrity of my gender identity is in my DNA, not in the surgeon’s knife. No more obsessing or acting out because the feelings are gone, gone for good.
My experience teaches that feelings should not define who you are—let Jesus Christ do that.